Everywhere I turn right now I’m confronted by stories of male violence against women. The news seems full lately of horrible stories of women who have been raped and killed by men. We’ve also seen a drastic increase in the rates of domestic violence and abuse against women over the past year during the pandemic. So much so that this violence has been termed ‘the hidden pandemic’. Just a few weeks ago, a report was published in the UK highlighting just how prevalent sexual harassment and abuse is against young women and girls in schools. Despite all the progress we think we’ve made, violence against women continues to affect us all.
These stories are never not shocking. They never leave me unaffected. But something really has to change. How can we continue to live in a society that accepts this as normal? As a fact of life? I don’t think I’m the only one feeling this way right now. Just look at the outpouring of anger and emotion following the rape and murder of Sarah Everard in the UK (March 2021). Women know they cannot continue to live in fear. Fear of what will happen if they walk home along at night. Fear of what will happen if they accept a drink from the wrong stranger. Fear of a guy not taking no for an answer. The deep breath of walking past a group of guys on the street. The texts to friends to let them know you got home safely. The strategies used day in, day out, to maintain your safety.
But we spend so much time dwelling on women’s fear – to say nothing of judging their choices – we so rarely analyse what is driving those men’s choices. Sure we talk about the patriarchy. And sure we occasionally talk about motive in the rare times cases get heard in court but we fail to focus on the entitlement. This is what I keep coming back to right now; the sense of entitlement that leads to these actions. I acknowledge it’s not the only factor and much of violence against women cannot be boiled down with such simplicity but entitlement is a facet to all of this. The entitlement of men who feel they deserve to be loved, no matter the cost. Their entitlement to have sex because they want it, regardless of how the other person feels. Their entitlement to constantly demand women’s attention when those women are just trying to mind their own business. Male entitlement is the poison that drives so much of this. I don’t completely understand where it comes from but I do know we need to stop raising men to feel this way.
We need to question the society we live in which raises men to feel such entitlement. Entitlement which causes women to live their lives in fear.
P.S some wonderful women have published some excellent work on this which I’m currently working my way through. If you’re interested to learn more, consider checking these out
- Kate Manne’s Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women seeks to shed light on just that. Bringing her signature framework of misogyny, to show how the idea that men are owed something is embedded in our cultures, and the devastating consequences that has for all of us, but especially so for women and girls.
- Laura Bates went undercover in some of the darkest corners of the internet to write her latest book Men Who Hate Women: From Incels to Pickup Artists: the Truth about Extreme Misogyny and How It Affects Us All. In doing so she explores this movement, the rhetoric they use, the ways they draw in new members and shines light on how organized this seemingly disconnected movement truly is.